A lot of you had probably gathered from little snippets of posts and information that my father-in-law had been unwell these past few months. Well, he finally succumbed to all his little age-related problems and passed away yesterday. Given all that he went through these past few months, and especially January, he is definitely in a better place. May his soul rest in peace!
Hindu rituals are long drawn out by nature, and funerals are no exception. And for long I have wondered and questioned the purpose of the 13 day ceremonies. When it comes to religion I am a complete non-believer, I am not into rituals, but I am a firm believer in our ancient culture. Thats what makes us "us". When I go to a temple, it is not with a religious purpose, but I go to marvel at the gorgeous temple architecture, I am inspired by the faith with which people worship and wonder from where they get the energy to stand in line for hours to get a glimpse of their deity, I get completely intoxicated in the fragrance of vibhuti, camphor, frankincense and incense, I am mesmerised by the priests' Vedic chanting, I love the rough feel of the cold stone flooring beneath my feet, I love running my fingers over the grooved surfaces of the temple columns imagining the stone cutters working on it....and then I cannot wait for the delicious ghee laden "prashad"!
But coming back to funeral rites.....I never disbelieved in them, I just could not figure out the reason why. Why 13 days? Why all the elaborate rites? Why the strict rules about the food that the near and dear ones of the departed could consume? Why all this talk of purity and pollution? Why wash the body with water and dress them in their best? Why does the son drench himself and perform the last rites in wet clothes? Why all the fuss? What does it all mean? And I have even gone so far as to telling my close family to not do any of this for me when I am no more. Feed some hungry people, reflect on all the good times we had and call it a day!
But it is all starting to make some sense now. I am realizing more and more that it helps with the grieving process. It gives you a time to set aside each day to come to terms with the sadness. It helps you reflect on the circle of life and understand its meaning in the universe. It follows the basic tenets of Hinduism which are dharma, samsara, karma and moksha...namely ethics, rebirth, action and liberation. A particular feature of the Hindu ritual is the preparation of rice balls offered to the spirit of the dead person during the services. In part this act contributes to the merit of the deceased, but it is also thought to pacify the soul so it does not linger in the world as a ghost but pass through the realm of Yama, the God of death! A few years ago I would have scoffed at this - yes. But now I see how it can bring so much peace of mind to the near and dear. It brings closure.
And then I used to ask myself why visitors would question you on the manner of death - how, why, when??? Was he/she sick? Had they been ailing? How insensitive to be asking these questions at a time like this. But I see now that they want to share your grief, and if they are to be genuine about it, then yes, they need to know the details so they can feel your sadness and understand your emotions.
So for the next 10 days we will be busy with these ceremonies. My father-in-law was an amazing person - quiet, gentle, unassuming, thoughtful, non interfering! A great story teller who had a seemingly endless supply of stories for all the grandchildren. I have told my husband jokingly (also half seriously) that if he is one tenth like his dad when he grows old, I will be happy! I cared for my father-in-law for 5 years ever since we returned to India, I knew his food likes and dislikes - he loved pizza, chocolates, ice cream, sweet Indian desserts....hated vegetables but loved potatoes. He loved politics, Indian or US, it was his life, and he instilled a great love of public service in my son, along with a very definite sense of justice and fair play. He loved The Lucy Show...in fact we named our red dachshund Lucy cos she was red and funny!
I will miss his presence in the house. I will miss seeing him in our prayer room, always praying for the welfare of his children and grandchildren. I will miss seeing him in our living room watching all the antics of our Indian politicians on TV. I will miss seeing him walking in the yard looking to see what fruits had ripened, and stealing guavas before they had reached their peak. I will miss him dearly.
But coming back to funeral rites.....I never disbelieved in them, I just could not figure out the reason why. Why 13 days? Why all the elaborate rites? Why the strict rules about the food that the near and dear ones of the departed could consume? Why all this talk of purity and pollution? Why wash the body with water and dress them in their best? Why does the son drench himself and perform the last rites in wet clothes? Why all the fuss? What does it all mean? And I have even gone so far as to telling my close family to not do any of this for me when I am no more. Feed some hungry people, reflect on all the good times we had and call it a day!
But it is all starting to make some sense now. I am realizing more and more that it helps with the grieving process. It gives you a time to set aside each day to come to terms with the sadness. It helps you reflect on the circle of life and understand its meaning in the universe. It follows the basic tenets of Hinduism which are dharma, samsara, karma and moksha...namely ethics, rebirth, action and liberation. A particular feature of the Hindu ritual is the preparation of rice balls offered to the spirit of the dead person during the services. In part this act contributes to the merit of the deceased, but it is also thought to pacify the soul so it does not linger in the world as a ghost but pass through the realm of Yama, the God of death! A few years ago I would have scoffed at this - yes. But now I see how it can bring so much peace of mind to the near and dear. It brings closure.
And then I used to ask myself why visitors would question you on the manner of death - how, why, when??? Was he/she sick? Had they been ailing? How insensitive to be asking these questions at a time like this. But I see now that they want to share your grief, and if they are to be genuine about it, then yes, they need to know the details so they can feel your sadness and understand your emotions.
So for the next 10 days we will be busy with these ceremonies. My father-in-law was an amazing person - quiet, gentle, unassuming, thoughtful, non interfering! A great story teller who had a seemingly endless supply of stories for all the grandchildren. I have told my husband jokingly (also half seriously) that if he is one tenth like his dad when he grows old, I will be happy! I cared for my father-in-law for 5 years ever since we returned to India, I knew his food likes and dislikes - he loved pizza, chocolates, ice cream, sweet Indian desserts....hated vegetables but loved potatoes. He loved politics, Indian or US, it was his life, and he instilled a great love of public service in my son, along with a very definite sense of justice and fair play. He loved The Lucy Show...in fact we named our red dachshund Lucy cos she was red and funny!
I will miss his presence in the house. I will miss seeing him in our prayer room, always praying for the welfare of his children and grandchildren. I will miss seeing him in our living room watching all the antics of our Indian politicians on TV. I will miss seeing him walking in the yard looking to see what fruits had ripened, and stealing guavas before they had reached their peak. I will miss him dearly.
